So this hasn't been a great start to my month. My girlfiend, Susan, and I called it quits over the weekend, I hate my job, and just plain bummed about things. You know, you try so hard sometimes but when you look back you realize that what you were doing was never going to match up to your effort. I mean, some things just aren't meant to be. Some things are. Guess you never can tell until you do.

And I do and do and do and it seems futile. I watch everything with a wary eye because you never know if it's going to work or hit you in the bum when you're not expecting it. I have compromised and sacrificed and for what? I know what I want in life and yet it seems to be so far out of reach.

First, I want to have a family. I want to raise my children in a decent home with lots of love and fun times together. You know, a typical suburban type family: yearly vacations to the beach and maybe to somewhere in the U.S. that we haven't gone before like the Grand Canyons, pizza and a movie rental almost every Friday night with the wife and kids, go to work and come home to my family every night for dinner, do stuff around the house and play with the kids, go to church on Sunday's or visit family. I mean, that sounds like a dream. I freaking dream that I've had all my life but I keep muckin' up.

The problem is me. I am too difficult. Sure, I am funny and creatively can come up with cool stuff to do. I love people and enjoying almost everything and anythihng. You won't find me sitting home on Football Sunday in front of the TV. I am just not that kind of guy. I'd rather make a pasta dinner with my wife, if I had one. But I've been told that it can be like walking around on egg shells with me. I hate that about myself. I hate that I make someone I love feel that way. Nobody should feel that way.

Look, I have no problem admitting my faults. I do try to be right as much as I can cause I've always felt that I am wrong much of the time. However, admitting something about yourself and actually doing something about it are two completely different things. I have difficutlty figuring it out. Or maybe I am just completely stubborn. It's surely a good possiblity.

I don't know. I just want to be a normal guy, doing normal things, living a normal life. The problem is that I am far from normal. I'm not crazy but I know I can be a little weird and strange at times. I've got a ton of energy that can seem out of control. Like people will say, "Jiggy, what the hell did you have for breakfast? Chill out, bro!"

Okay, I am going to post this the way it is. If I read it, I will think about it too much and then it whatever I post after the edit won't be 'real' or 'sincere', which is the difficulty I have with bloggin personal stuff. I believe it's better to write out what you're feeling on paper. When it comes out and you see it, it makes better sense and can be relieving.

Later....